In Case It Matters

Big building

“In case it matters” was the final suggestion that convinced me to  create this blog. I still lean on this mantra, this backwards affirmation, to get me to this screen and write.

In case it matters
There’s another voice in here that cautions me: don’t put that out there, it will damage your credibility. People won’t have any faith in your words if they know you have doubt, shame, self hatred. It’s bad for business. It’s bad for keeping your vibration positive. Bad bad bad. The truth in here should stay in here, otherwise bad things will happen.

Well here’s my answer to that.
Bad things have happened. To me, because of me, to other people, animals, birds, plants, rivers, mountains, works of art, bugs, fish, fungi, the moon, space - you name it and I will find a case where something bad happened to it. How did I come to believe that telling “the truth” would create bad?

“Truth is a pathless land”

One of my many favorite quotes from Krishnamurti
I have wondered about this sentence for decades. I have held onto it since I discovered it in on a yellowing page of a used copy of one his many books. Reading his words felt like an act of subversive rebellion. I was learning secrets meant to be hidden from outsiders like me.

I would run this idea through me over and over as I sat silently at a table of smart people conversing easily about truth, about how it is, how it should be, and what’s really going on. I listened carefully to their words and observed closely how they treated the waiter, the check out person, their mate, their dog, their plants. No one never matched up 100%.

leaf

The gaze I cast on others is a tiny ray of the piercing flood light within my self.
Not matter which I go, there it is - glaring at every thought, idea, emotion, dream, urge, action, word so hard that I can barely breathe. But somehow I find another inhale. Another exhale. It is a wonder of this body of mine that it is so resilient. It just keeps on ticking. So I have to keep wondering how to live in here without coming completely undone.

In case it matters

The point of this endeavor is to express myself... at last.
I am so sure that most of the news and the people in it are full of shit, are in it for greed and personal power or maybe they are really are ignorant of their complicit participation in our culture of dominance, entitlement, and disregard of the real, the true, the actual messy experience of life. I have a life time of observing this “shit show”, of spewing on about how fucked up “it all is.” That’s part of how I have participated in the growth of the very thing that I oppose.

It’s harder to find my truth, my reality, my meaning, my clarity, my self confidence than it is to complain about the patriarchy, politics, or the pile of dog poo that someone didn’t pick up off of somebody else’s perfectly manicured green chem lawn. Other people are easy to dissect, to pull apart, to notice when their words and actions don’t line up. All of that drama out there has offered me decades of distraction, making it easy to fill the space with another rant while staying hidden in here.

In case it matters...
I’m sharing my four year endeavor here. It’s only been five days and I find myself straining to bring my attention to where I want it to be. The call of the drama is strong, habitual, and widely accepted as normal and important. To think that social pressure doesn’t weigh in on my psyche is joke.

But right now I am leaning more toward my aspirations and dreams for my life than the habitual. And that reality, which I know to be true within myself, in my world, is a good start to this day.

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