Andrea Butje, My Beloved
What Happened?
The unceasing and unconditional cycle of Nature marked Its time and Andrea shed her physical form and passed into whatever is next. The same will happen for me one day, as it will for you who reads this. Near or far, our time will come and we will follow all of our ancestors, loves, friends and foes, known and unknown, into the Mystery of Death.
Andrea and I shared 33 years of life together.
We were united in our steadfast desire to be independent, to unfold according to our particular Inner Voice no matter where that might take us. We dared to love each other as each other was and would become. We made space to figure ourselves out together and alone. We had an unrelenting agreement that first came our personal truth/knowing/unfolding/wisdom and next came wondering if that would continue to work for each other. It did. The voices of our independent hearts kept us united for decades. In our surrendering to death we are now unbound in this material world.
Our refrain these last years was that we would each follow our inner guidance, as we had always done, trusting that each of us would find our way. Andrea travels in the unknown Mystery now, and I trust that she is finding her way. I am traveling in my own unknown, trusting that I will find my way.
I imagine most couples juggling tremendous health challenges face questions of what is to remain private, of what is sacred, of what is wanted to be shared and of what needs to be shared. It was no different for me and Andrea. These questions pulled us into deep conversation and contemplation for years. We followed the twists and turns of our thoughts, emotions, beliefs, desires, pulls of obligation, worry, waves of fear and sorrow. Foremost for us both was the fierce desire to be true to ourselves and to each other.
The unfolding of Andrea’s health challenge was always her story to tell. And she did not tell it. I honored her wishes all the way through and I will continue to do so.
I am left with the wonder of mercy. Mercy. A wide open space that allows for loving kindness in the midst of human limitations. The reverberating bird song and warm breeze floating to me while all I can do is surrender to forces beyond my control or understanding.
Life, death, health and illness are not simple uncomplicated topics or events. I have fewer words and more space, less doing and more being, less certainty and more presence, more humility and fewer plans.
The space to search within for one’s own truth, freedom and understanding was an offering Andrea gave to everyone she met. Her ability to create a safe open space for others emerged from her life long dedication to seeking her own truth within. Seeking truth within requires all the strength and fortitude one can muster, and that is exactly how Andrea lived. She maintained her devotion to her True Spirit all the way to (and I am sure past) her final breath.
